


no one wants to know whats in his head (it should be enough)

by alwaysayes



Series: the hand says weapon the mind says tool [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, bee is on speed dial though, mentions of Drake Spear, mentions of past trauma, ooc as hell tho, soft andreil i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes
Summary: Neil’s eyes went wide as he Andrew pushed his head down, enjoying the feel of Andrew’s hands on him. Neil sucked in a deep breath and his fingers ran over Andrew’s hipbones when-“No.” Andrew gasped, pushing Neil away from him.“I-” Neil tried.“Neil, it’s not your fault, I-”“I’ll go, I’ll go sleep on the couch-”“Neil, no.” Andrew gasped, hands shaking and breath rumbling in his chest. Andrew’s hand reached out to grab at Neil’s wrist.“Andrew are you sure-”“Neil, it’s a yes for now just please don’t go-”“Andrew, I-”“I don’t want to be alone this time.” Andrew’s voice broke on the last two words as he fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. He bit his lip.“Oh,” Neil said. Andrew nodded. Andrew’s shoulders were shaking with silent sobs because someone was actually staying with him for the first time in his life.





	no one wants to know whats in his head (it should be enough)

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh this is my first andreil fic and i know its super ooc but i ran it through with my pals on twitter and they said it wasnt TOO ooc but also not super in character so yeah i tried my best,, theres some kind of vague almost sex scene in here as well and its probably badly written but I TRIED OKAY  
> title comes from the richard siken poem "landscape with a blur of conquerors"  
> also this is super short im sorry and it moves REAL FASt!!  
> warning for a panic attack and mentions of past trauma of andrews, as well as some icky stuff that accidentally goes down between TWO CONSENTING PARTIES

Some days were worse than others. There had been so many good days before a bad day would come, and Andrew could feel it coming up in his bones. Things had been too good for them.

Andrew was right.

It was a normal night. They came home from work at the same time, laid on the couch with each other, Andrew made dinner while Neil fed the cats and laid on the couch. Same day that they’d been having for the past few months. But it really wasn’t.

Andrew felt off, but not off enough to give Neil a no for anything. They ate their dinner, sitting in a comfortable silence, before Andrew said anything.

“Ask more tonight. I don’t know what a yes or no is right now. Ask before you do anything.”

Neil nodded.

“Is it a Thing?” Neil asked. Andrew heard the capital T and snorted.

“I don’t know yet.”

A Thing was something they had come up with to know if the other is okay. They would say it was a Thing if it was keeping them from doing stuff with the other, sleeping, sleeping with, or anything as little as eating dinner together.

“We’ll see, Drew.”

Dinner continued in the comfortable quietness, nothing but forks clicking against plates and their cats purring against their feet.

.

“Andrew,” Neil gasped, “Fuck.” 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, pulling at the bottom of Neil’s shirt.

“ _ Yes. _ ” Neil said, a shudder running through his body when Andrew’s cold fingers hit his skin.

Neil’s shirt came off and Andrew’s lips detached from his neck.

Andrew’s eyes scanned Neil’s chest, breathing heavily.

“Neil, you’re going to blow me. Yes or no?” He asked breathily.

“Fuck yes. But not yet, I’m gonna treat you. Yes or no? I wanna mark up your neck and chest.”   
“Yes.”   
Neil surged forward and kissed his way up Andrew’s chest, biting and sucking and making him  _ his. _ Andrew gasped and grabbed at Neil’s hair as Neil ruined him.

“Neil,” Andrew urged. “ _ Neil _ .”

Neil looked up.

“I wanna get you off. Yes or no.”

Neil stared.

“Yes or no, you fucking junkie.”

“God, yes.” Neil gasped, scrambling to get his pants off.

Andrew smirked at Neil as Neil tripped pulling his jeans off before crawling back onto their bed.

“Andrew,” Neil panted. “I wanna blow you first. Yes or no?”

“Yes.”   
Neil’s eyes went wide as he Andrew pushed his head down, enjoying the feel of Andrew’s hands on him. Neil sucked in a deep breath and his fingers ran over Andrew’s hipbones when-

“ _ No. _ ” Andrew gasped, pushing Neil away from him. 

“I-” Neil tried.

“Neil, it’s not your fault, I-”   
“I’ll go, I’ll go sleep on the couch-”   
“Neil,  _ no. _ ” Andrew gasped, hands shaking and breath rumbling in his chest. Andrew’s hand reached out to grab at Neil’s wrist.

“Andrew are you sure-”   
“ _ Neil _ , it’s a yes for now just please don’t go-”

“Andrew, I-”

“I don’t want to be alone this time.” Andrew’s voice broke on the last two words as he fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. He bit his lip.

“Oh,” Neil said. Andrew nodded. Andrew’s shoulders were shaking with silent sobs because someone was  _ actually staying with him for the first time in his life _ .

He wound his fingers in the sheets, twisting them in his hands and closing his eyes shut as tight as he could.

“Neil, I need you to- I need you to call Bee- I can’t-”

Neil nodded.

“Where’s your phone, ‘Drew?”

“On my side of the nightstand.”

“She’s on my- my emergency contact list.”   
“I got it. What else do I need to do?”

Andrew removed his left hand from the sheets.   
“Hand me my phone and-and go sit in the living room. I’ll be out when-when I’m done.”

Neil nodded again.

“Can I kiss you on the forehead?”   
“Yes.”

Neil leaned down and kissed Andrew right between the eyebrows.

“I’ll be there. I love you, ‘Drew.”   
Neil watched as the his boyfriend’s tense, eyes closed expression went soft at the words. 

Bee picked up her phone.

“Andrew?” She asked.

“Bee.”   
“It’s the middle of the night! Did you have another nightmare?”

“No. It was… I was with Neil and he-”   
“Did he do something you didn’t say yes to?   
“No! Bee, no. Neil isn’t like anyone who ever did that to me. Neil listens and Neil is gentle.”

“Andrew, do you feel safe right now?” Bee asked softly.

“I- not really. I don’t know. Things are running together.”   
“Andrew, I’m gonna ask you again. Did Neil-”

“ _ No. _ He would never. We were just about to fuck and he accidentally touched my hipbone, and it was such a little thing but I- I started to see  _ him _ and feel him against me again and I just-” Andrew choked up.

“Andrew. You’re safe. You’re in the apartment that you share with Neil- your boyfriend- and Drake is dead. You’re safe in New York. You’re home.”   
“Bee,” Andrew wheezed. “Thank you. I have to- I have to go talk to Neil.”

“Okay, Andrew. Call me if you need anything else, alright?”

“I will. Goodnight, Bee.”

.

Andrew found Neil on the couch, twenty minutes after he hung up with Bee. He needed the time to think about what happened, to tell Neil what happened and why he just  _ couldn’t.  _ He took a deep breath.

“Junkie.” He said, nudging Neil’s side.

_ Neil could sleep anytime, how fucking annoying _ , Andrew thought.

“Drew?” Neil asked groggily.

“Move your exy ass over.” Andrew grunted.

He had to build his walls back up.

Neil blinked at him as he sat up, scooting over on the couch to make room.

“About what happened,” Andrew started. “It wasn’t your fault. This happens sometimes. It really isn’t your fault at all, I just. I forgot to tell you where not to touch and then you didn’t ask and- It was just too much when I felt your hand there and I felt like I was back in the Spear house. I just- overloaded.”

“Are you alright now?” Neil asked gently.

“NOt yet, but I will be.”   
Neil nodded.

If it weren’t for the circumstances, the softness and fondness in Andrew’s voice would be loving. It was the kind of fondness that only came in when Andrew would wake up before Neil and watch him breathe, watch him sleep and be near. The kind of fondness that he would only reveal when it was six in the morning and he hadb’t slept a wink because all he could think about was how beautiful his boyfriend was and how he wished fate had never touched either of them.

_ Maybe,  _ Andrew thought bitterly,  _ If fate had never touched him maybe he’d be able to get through one normal night like any normal person. _

“Drew,” Neil murmured. “What are you thinking right now?”

“I-It’s nothing you need to worry about. Just brain stuff.”   
“Andrew, I wanna know what you think.”   
“Things would probably have turned out differently if I had never been hurt.”   
“Andrew, you know you can’t control who hurts you and when.”   
“God, but I wish I could.”   
“Can I lay my head on your lap?” Neil asked after a moment of stillness.

“Yes. It’s a yes until it’s a no, junkie.”

Neil grinned.

He lay down on Andrew’s lap and Andrew’s fingers found his way to Neil’s wavy mop of hair.

“You know, I hate you.” Andrew said, moments later. His tough demeanor was coming back and his walls were going back up- the softness of their earlier moment disintegrating faster than they knew.

“I know. I’m nothing.”   
“You’re  _ my  _ nothing.”

Neil huffed out a laugh.

“I guess I am.”

  
  


  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this find me on twitter @consumemywine or on tumblr @stantaire
> 
> shout out to fen and mimi for being enablers of my nonsense


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